Dealing with ego gone wild.

Ego is a person’s sense of self importance.

An ego doesn’t have to be a bad thing. A healthy ego ensures a person has self esteem and inner confidence. Many people struggle with finding agency. Instead they suffer from poor self esteem, self doubt and its impact can be debilitating. For such a person, discovering and building ego can be helpful. But. This article is about something different. What if ego goes wild?

You all know someone who acts in a manner that implies they are more important than you. They meet the world from a place of high status. They come across as conceited. They are absorbed in their own opinions and can act from a moral high ground.

Let’s keep going. You might recognise someone who:

• Finds it difficult to admit they are wrong.

• Finds it easy to win but difficult to lose.

• Sabotages others as they become the centre of attention.

• Over inflates their sense of being able to do jobs they are not skilled to do.

• Makes things feel overly personal, even when they’re not.

• Says in meetings what you have already said. Has to have the final say.

Dealing with someone with a heightened ego in a workplace without a good strategy will suck you dry. You are unlikely to change them, but you can navigate it with little cost.

To be honest, in extreme situations, they are unlikely to notice what you are doing or not doing. Your plan might feel big, but to them it’s small. You have little to lose.

It’s true that someone can have a narcissistic personality disorder. This results in an inflated sense of self-importance. This disorder can be medically diagnosed, treatment can help and, it can be managed. It’s not easy to cure. Any loss of status to someone suffering such a disorder can lead to aggression or anxiety. The person suffers and those around them suffer too.

But no one expects you to be a psychiatrist or psychologist. Such disorders exist but you are not expected to diagnose and cure.

A koala chooses a more solitary life and it’s common for koalas to sleep 20 hours a day. Dealing with ego is not high on their radar. Illustration: Nora Toth Design

So what can you do? (other than be a koala)

It helps to know that some of the behaviour is not driven by ego. It can be caused by fear, insecurity and a need to control. The other person may be suffering and expresses this in a dominant way.

Many of us can conclude too early that one of these behaviours means the person is egotistical and arrogant. The truth might be very different. The person may use dominant behaviours to overcome deep insecurity.

BUT. It is not your job to be a psychologist. It is not your job to diagnose. You have to work with this person or report to this person. How do you survive and thrive?

The Qualifier. Certain behaviour is unacceptable in a workplace and in society. Beyond your organisations values, there are norms and legislation that protect people from being discriminated against, harassed and made to feel unsafe.

These behaviours don’t need to be navigated, they should be reported.

Navigate dominant behaviours in a workplace.

Here are 5 steps.

1. Forget diagnosing (no matter how interesting it seems).

2. Don’t meet dominant with dominant.

3. Be counter intuitive. Do the opposite.

4. Everyone has to draw breath. Capitalise on that beat.

5. Know that it’s about them. It will always be about them.

1. Forget Diagnosing
   Extreme behaviour can be fascinating. We like to watch and diagnose reality TV stars for a reason. Why do they do the things they do? What was their childhood like? What is driving them?

   Diagnosing what drives the behaviour is not helpful, unless you are qualified and have permission to do so.
   
   Navigating the behaviour is your job instead. Ensure you and others are safe. Ensure the work gets done and the relationships are preserved. The diagnosis is a distraction.

2. Don’t meet dominant with dominant

   You should know that countering ego behaviour with your own dominant behaviour has very little chance for success. 
   
   The person is likely to be practiced and therefore more skilled at dominance than you. The most likely outcome is that you become more frustrated as this person amplifies their dominance. If you turn up to 10, they can go to 11.

3. Be counter intuitive.

   Sometimes egotistic behaviour is diffused when fuelled, instead of closed off. When someone is filling the room your instinct might be to close the person down. In a group situation you might feel frustrated on behalf of everyone and do what you can to shut down the discussion.

   This is a normal reaction. When you try to close the person down it will likely backfire. Ego needs to be fuelled. Take the fuel away - the attention as an example - and the needs are no longer met. It can get worse.

   This recommendation can feel like the opposite to what you might expect.

   If someone is dominating, ask more questions, encourage the person to share more. “That’s an interesting perspective, how did you arrive at that view?” 
   Give them more fuel and the behaviour is less likely to be extreme.

4. Everyone has to draw breath.

   No matter how ego driven someone is, the body and mind has limited energy.

   Someone will have to draw breath. When they draw breath you can enter. This one requires you to notice, time it right and act.

   And I don’t offer this as a trick. Can you connect with this person on a more human level?

   Can both parties better understand each other? Can both parties meet each other's needs? Can you find common ground? Can you find connection?
   Connect in a quieter moment where there is no need for this person to ‘perform’.

5. Know that it’s about them.
   Whatever you feel it’s not about your choices. This is another person’s choices. How you react to this is up to you.
   
   You can feel frustrated, resentful, jealous, shut out or left out. But it has little to do with you. That person is unlikely to be losing sleep over your feelings. For this reason, I recommend losing no sleep over their behaviour.
   
   You get to choose how you respond. It is possible to meet the person from a place of empathy. It’s also possible to not invest anything. You don’t need to over invest your emotional energy in someone who is unlikely to invest back into you.

Work doesn’t need more ego, but it does need more empathy, curiosity, more belonging and more connection.

The truth is so much ego has shaped and changed the world. Sometimes for good. To make big change sometimes requires big ego. It’s not going anywhere soon. You can navigate it with little effort, if you choose to. There is a pathway that is not full of tricks and not full of ego. The pathway is humble, down to earth and human.